TABLE OF CONTENTS
Originally filed 19 July 2021. Digitised from the physical archive by order of the Chairman.
Purpose
This filing exists because the Chairman has been called things.
Not his title. Not his name. Not even a reasonable abbreviation of his name.
Things.
This document constitutes an official amendment to the Chairman’s biography, cataloguing each unauthorised nickname, identifying the responsible party, and noting the status of the formal apology that has, in every case, not yet been received.
The Names
“Feckery Deckery Dick”
Origin: Unknown. Believed to have emerged from the household’s general disregard for institutional dignity.
Used by: Fava. Primarily Fava.
Context: The Chairman was addressed by this name in what appears to have been a moment of amusement for the speaker. It was not amusing for the Chairman. The name implies a level of frivolity that is incompatible with the office. The Chairman is not a nursery rhyme. The Chairman is a head of state.
Apology status: Pending. Has been pending for some time.
Chairman’s assessment: The name “Feckery Deckery Dick” contains three syllables that rhyme. This is the structural hallmark of a children’s taunt. The Chairman is twelve years old and has governed a sovereign territory for the entirety of his adult life. He does not deserve a children’s taunt. He deserves a title.
He has a title.
It is not being used.
“Chunky”
Origin: The Fat Accusation Campaign — a coordinated effort by household members to draw attention to the Chairman’s physique.
Used by: Multiple parties. The Chairman declines to name individuals, though he notes that Muva and Fava are both under suspicion and that the veterinarian has supplied ammunition through biased weigh-ins.
Context: The Chairman maintains that his build reflects the natural stature of a sovereign in comfortable governance. Weight is not a relevant metric for leadership. Winston Churchill was not thin. No one called him “Chunky.”
No one would have dared.
Apology status: Pending. Complicated by the fact that Luna attempted to defend the Chairman by singing “He Ain’t Heavy, He’s My Bruva,” which the Chairman initially appreciated until he realised it confirmed the underlying premise.
Chairman’s assessment: The word “chunky” is used to describe soup. The Chairman is not soup. The Chairman is a political figure and should be described using political language. “Robust” is acceptable. “Statesman-like” is preferred. “Chunky” is a personnel violation.
“Dex”
Origin: Laziness.
Used by: Everyone. This is the most widespread and persistent violation.
Context: The Chairman’s name is Dexter. Not “Dex.” The abbreviation removes two-fifths of the Chairman’s identity. This is not a minor matter. Two-fifths is substantial. If someone removed two-fifths of the Constitution, the Chairman would consider it an act of war.
Apology status: Not requested, as the Chairman has determined this battle is unwinnable. The Chairman has chosen instead to note it in the permanent record and move on.
This is what governance looks like. Not every fight can be fought. But every fight can be documented.
“Good Boy”
Origin: Condescension.
Used by: Muva, Fava, veterinary staff, strangers in public, anyone who has ever encountered the Chairman.
Context: The Chairman is not a “good boy.” The Chairman is a twelve-year-old sovereign with a filing cabinet, a robe, and a documented history of governance. “Good boy” is what you say to a dog that has performed a trick for a biscuit.
The Chairman does not perform tricks. The Chairman issues decrees.
The Chairman does, however, accept biscuits.
Apology status: Not applicable. The Chairman has accepted that this particular indignity is embedded in the species relationship and cannot be eradicated through bureaucratic means. He has, however, noted it here so that the historical record reflects his objection.
“Baby”
Origin: Muva.
Used by: Muva. Exclusively Muva.
Context: The Chairman is not a baby. The Chairman is an elder statesman. Babies do not govern. Babies do not file grievances. Babies do not drink Earl Grey with the pinky claw extended.
Apology status: The Chairman has not requested an apology for this one.
The Chairman does not wish to discuss why.
“Sir Barks-a-Lot”
Origin: Fava. Almost certainly Fava.
Used by: Fava, in the presence of guests. The Chairman was humiliated in front of civilians.
Context: The Chairman’s barking is not recreational. It is territorial communication. It is governance in acoustic form. Describing it as excessive or comedic undermines the security infrastructure of the entire Conglomerate.
Apology status: Pending. See also: PR-001 for a comprehensive assessment of Fava’s judgment.
Summary of Violations
| Nickname | Offender | Severity | Apology Status |
|---|---|---|---|
| Feckery Deckery Dick | Fava | Strategic Humiliation | Pending |
| Chunky | Multiple | Elevated | Pending |
| Dex | Everyone | Noted | Unwinnable |
| Good Boy | Everyone | Structural Indignity | Permanent |
| Baby | Muva | Classified | Not discussed |
| Sir Barks-a-Lot | Fava | Elevated | Pending |
Closing Statement
The Chairman wishes to make clear that none of these names have been authorised, endorsed, or accepted by the Office of the Chairman. The Chairman’s legal name is Dexter Esq. His title is Chairman of the Conglomerate. The appropriate form of address is “Chairman,” “Mr. Chairman,” or — in moments of deep reverence — simply a respectful nod from across the room.
The Chairman does not expect these standards to be met.
But the Chairman expects them to be documented.
They are now documented.
Filed by the Office of the Chairman. The Chairman’s mood during the preparation of this filing is not a matter of public record.
Signed,
Dexter Esq.
Chairman of the Conglomerate
“Do better, be better.”