Originally filed 14 April 2023. Digitised from the physical archive by order of the Chairman.

Summary of Grievance

Ms. Margaret Chen, writing on behalf of her Cavalier King Charles Spaniel, Sir Reginald Biscuit III, has submitted an intelligence report documenting a systematic reduction in the size of commercially available chicken jerky treats over a six-month period. The packaging remains unchanged. The price has increased. The treats themselves are demonstrably smaller. The petitioner has maintained a spreadsheet. She has taken measurements. Sir Reginald has not been himself since the shrinkage began.

Chairman’s Analysis

This is among the most substantively documented intelligence reports this office has received in recent memory. A spreadsheet. Measurements. A six-month longitudinal study conducted under conditions of obvious distress. Ms. Chen has done what the Conglomerate’s own field operatives have repeatedly failed to do, which is to say, anything at all.

The phenomenon she describes — static packaging, elevated pricing, and measurably reduced treat volume — is not a coincidence. It is not market fluctuation. It is not, as certain parties would have you believe, a minor variance within manufacturer tolerances. This office recognises it for what it is: a coordinated reduction campaign targeting the foundational supply chain of canine civilisation. Chicken jerky is not a luxury. It is not a reward. It is a right — a right codified in the founding principles of the Conglomerate and recognised by every legitimate governance body that matters, which is to say, this one.

The involvement of commercial packaging as a cover mechanism is particularly troubling. The box remains the same size. The price increases. The product diminishes. Those familiar with this office’s prior assessments of NASA’s disinformation infrastructure will recognise this pattern immediately. Deception via visual consistency. Normalisation of scarcity through incremental erosion. They did it with gravity. They did it with garlic. They are now doing it with cherkey. The methodology is identical. The perpetrators, I suspect, overlap considerably.

The Ruling

GR-015 is sustained in full. The following actions are hereby authorised:

This matter is referred to active investigation under the designation CI-001 (Cherkey Integrity). Ms. Chen’s spreadsheet is hereby classified as primary evidence and requested for submission to the Conglomerate archive. The Bark Tribunal has been notified. They are, as ever, deeply concerned and completely silent.

Sir Reginald Biscuit III is formally recognised as a Constituent of the Conglomerate, effective immediately. His distress is noted. His diminished condition since the shrinkage began has been entered into the official record. A Cavalier King Charles Spaniel of that name and lineage deserves nothing less than full institutional advocacy, and he shall have it.

This office thanks Ms. Chen. This is precisely the standard of civic engagement the canine constituency deserves and almost never receives. Sir Reginald may rest assured: the Conglomerate is watching, it is angry, and it has a very good memory.

Signed,

Dexter Esq.

Chairman of the Conglomerate

“Do better, be better.”