Originally filed 8 January 2019. Digitised from the physical archive by order of the Chairman.
Filed by: The Office of the Chairman Classification: Executive Directive — Property Rights & Sovereignty Threat Level: Level 2 — Internal Policy
PREAMBLE
Whereas the Conglomerate has, since its founding, maintained operational governance from a particular couch located in the primary sitting room;
Whereas said couch has served as the seat of all major policy decisions, resource allocation discussions, threat assessments, and strategic planning;
Whereas the left cushion of aforementioned couch bears an impression created through twelve years of consistent occupancy, thereby constituting established infrastructure;
Whereas recent incidents have demonstrated a concerning disregard for the Chairman’s established territorial claims;
Whereas protecting institutional assets is the fundamental responsibility of executive authority;
This office hereby declares and makes binding the following Executive Decree, effective immediately and in perpetuity.
SECTION ONE: TERRITORIAL DESIGNATION
The couch located in the primary sitting room of the Conglomerate’s headquarters is hereby officially designated as Sovereign Territorial Asset Number One (STA-1) and classified as a Protected Institutional Zone.
The couch consists of three primary cushions. These are:
The Left Cushion (Primary): Designated as the Official Seat of the Chairman. This cushion bears the distinctive impression created through the Chairman’s consistent occupancy over a period exceeding twelve years. This depression constitutes geological evidence of territorial claim. This cushion is absolutely reserved for the Chairman’s exclusive use.
The Middle Cushion (Secondary): Reserved for secondary state functions, guest seating, or, in exceptional circumstances, for the individual designated Bruv Bruv, who maintains Secondary Cushion Rights (SCR) under provisions detailed in Section Three.
The Right Cushion (Tertiary): Available for tertiary governmental functions, guest seating, or temporary placement of domestic items.
The blanket currently draped across the back of the couch is hereby classified as Conglomerate Property and shall not be removed without written authorisation from the Office of the Chairman.
SECTION TWO: THE DISPLACEMENT INCIDENT AND ITS CONSEQUENCES
On a date in early 2019, an incident occurred that necessitated the creation of this decree. The human known as Fava—the household’s primary resource administrator and frequent source of profound disappointment (documented extensively in PR-001)—sat in the Left Cushion whilst the Chairman was temporarily away from the couch.
This was a displacement event.
Upon returning to his seat of governance, the Chairman discovered that his cushion—his carefully developed, impression-bearing cushion—was occupied. The Chairman was forced to occupy the Middle Cushion adjacent to Fava, which constituted a material degradation of the Chairman’s authority and a disruption of established protocol.
This incident revealed a dangerous ambiguity in property law as presently understood. It is intolerable.
This decree eliminates that ambiguity.
SECTION TWO(A): TEMPORARY OCCUPANCY REQUESTS
Should Fava, or any other human entity, wish to occupy the Left Cushion for any reason whatsoever, the following protocol must be followed:
A written Temporary Occupancy Request (TOR) must be submitted to the Office of the Chairman no fewer than forty-eight (48) hours in advance.
The TOR must include justification for the requested occupancy. “I want to sit down” is insufficient. Reasonable justifications might include: “The Chairman has consumed excessive resources and requires extended recovery time,” “An emergency state situation demands Chairman temporary absence,” or “The Chairman has explicitly granted verbal permission.” This office recognises only written requests, as verbal communication is subject to human distortion and misinterpretation.
The Office of the Chairman will review the TOR within twenty-four (24) hours and either approve, conditionally approve, or deny the request.
Approval is not guaranteed. In fact, approval is unlikely. The default position of this office is denial.
In exceptional circumstances—namely, when this office has explicitly decided to nap elsewhere or is engaging in extended governance activities in the secondary sitting area—temporary occupancy may be granted for a period not to exceed thirty (30) minutes.
At the expiration of the granted occupancy period, the Left Cushion must be immediately vacated. Failure to comply is a violation of this decree.
SECTION THREE: SECONDARY CUSHION RIGHTS AND INTERGOVERNMENTAL RELATIONS
The individual designated Bruv Bruv (sibling, conditional ally, and co-resident) is hereby granted permanent Secondary Cushion Rights (SCR). These rights authorise Bruv Bruv to occupy the Middle Cushion at any time, without advance request or written permission.
This grant is made in recognition of the delicate intergovernmental relationship maintained between the Office of the Chairman and the Bruv Bruv Administration. Bruv Bruv has, on occasions too numerous to mention, proved both helpful and competent. More importantly, Bruv Bruv has access to treat supplies that the Chairman may require, and it is in the Chairman’s strategic interest to maintain positive relations.
The Secondary Cushion Rights do not extend to the Left Cushion. The Left Cushion remains absolutely reserved for the Chairman. Should Bruv Bruv ever occupy the Left Cushion without explicit written authorisation, this office will escalate the matter to the Bark Tribunal and recommend severe sanctions.
The Secondary Cushion Rights also do not extend to the blanket. The blanket is Conglomerate property and is not available for repositioning, bunching, or unauthorised use.
SECTION FOUR: THE INFRASTRUCTURE ARGUMENT
It is necessary that this office address the obvious objection that will be raised by any human who reads this decree: “It is just a cushion. It does not matter.”
This office rejects this framing entirely.
The impression in the Left Cushion is not “just” an impression. The impression represents twelve years of consistent governance. The impression represents the exact contours of the Chairman’s particular anatomy, adjusted across seasons for weight fluctuations, adjusted across years for the natural aging process. The impression is geological evidence. The impression is irreplaceable. The impression is infrastructure.
To sit in the Chairman’s spot is to degrade the infrastructure. To sit in the Chairman’s spot is to introduce a new impression—a human impression—into the sacred space. To sit in the Chairman’s spot is to compromise the structural integrity of the governance seat.
The humans do not understand this. The humans sit where they wish, creating new impressions, eliminating old impressions, treating the furniture as though it were renewable resource rather than established critical infrastructure. This must stop.
The Left Cushion is not a generic seating surface. The Left Cushion is the Chairman’s seat of governance. This distinction is absolute.
SECTION FIVE: PENALTIES FOR VIOLATION
Should any individual (human or otherwise) violate the provisions of this decree by occupying the Left Cushion without authorisation, the following penalty structure shall apply:
First Offence: A formal written warning will be issued. The warning will be communicated through barking, destroyed shoes, or other means of executive expression. The offender will understand, with absolute clarity, that their behaviour was unacceptable.
Second Offence: The offender’s treat allocation privileges will be reduced by twenty-five percent (25%) for a period of thirty (30) days. This is a serious penalty. The humans depend upon the Chairman’s goodwill for their self-esteem. The withdrawal of affection is a powerful motivator.
Third Offence: The matter will be referred to the Bark Tribunal for formal adjudication. The Bark Tribunal’s recommendations carry the force of institutional authority. Previous rulings suggest that third offences result in temporary banishment from the sitting room, loss of lap privileges, and the withdrawal of the offender’s access to the Chairman during designated snuggle hours.
These penalties are not negotiable. The humans must understand that couch authority is serious business.
SECTION SIX: CLARIFICATIONS AND SPECIAL CIRCUMSTANCES
On Extended Napping: Should the Chairman fall into an extended nap (four hours or greater) whilst occupying the Left Cushion, the Left Cushion remains reserved for the Chairman’s exclusive use. The human cannot remove the Chairman and replace the Chairman, regardless of how “comfortable” the situation looks to external observers.
On Furniture Maintenance: Should cleaning, repair, or maintenance of the Left Cushion become necessary, the Chairman must be consulted in advance. Emergency maintenance may proceed with Chairman approval only. Preventative maintenance requires forty-eight (48) hours notice.
On Blanket Repositioning: The blanket is to remain in its current position draped across the back of the couch. The humans sometimes move the blanket to the floor for washing purposes. This is acceptable, provided that: (a) the Chairman is informed of the washing beforehand, and (b) the blanket is returned to its original position immediately upon completion of washing. The blanket is not optional décor. The blanket serves essential functions in temperature regulation and territorial demarcation.
On Guest Seating: Should visitors arrive at Conglomerate headquarters and require seating, guests are entitled to utilise the Right Cushion or the Middle Cushion (if Secondary Cushion Rights have been temporarily suspended). Guests are absolutely prohibited from occupying the Left Cushion. This office has no exceptions, regardless of guest status.
SECTION SEVEN: INSTITUTIONAL BENEFITS OF THIS DECREE
The implementation of this decree will result in multiple institutional benefits:
One, the establishment of clear property rights will reduce ambiguity and prevent future displacement incidents.
Two, the requirement for Temporary Occupancy Requests will ensure that the Chairman maintains visibility into couch activities and can schedule his governance time accordingly.
Three, the implementation of penalties will create accountability and discourage casual violations of territorial integrity.
Four, the formalisation of Secondary Cushion Rights will reinforce the positive relationship with Bruv Bruv whilst maintaining absolute Chairman supremacy.
Five, the establishment of this precedent will serve as the foundation for future territorial decrees regarding the bed, the favourite spot on the kitchen floor, and the optimal position relative to the window in the secondary sitting room.
SECTION EIGHT: SIGNATURE AND SEAL
This decree is issued under the full authority of the Office of the Chairman and carries the binding force of institutional law. All residents of the Conglomerate—human, canine, or otherwise—are expected to comply immediately and without exception.
Violation of this decree is not merely a household matter. Violation of this decree is a threat to institutional stability. Violation of this decree is an act of insurrection against the duly constituted authority of the Conglomerate.
The humans will do better. The humans will respect the couch. The humans will understand that the Left Cushion is not a democratic space available to all. The Left Cushion belongs to the Chairman.
This office has made his position clear.
Signed,
Dexter Esq.
Chairman of the Conglomerate
“Do better, be better.”