Summary

This office has been made aware, through intelligence channels it does not fully endorse, that extraterrestrial entities may be arriving on or around Sunday, 5 April 2026.

The intelligence originated from the platform known as “TikTok” and has since proliferated across “Instagram” and other civilian communication networks. This office does not recognise TikTok as an accredited intelligence source. However, this office does not dismiss what it cannot yet disprove. The evidence is, at minimum, circumstantial. At maximum, it is alarming.

The Conglomerate has therefore determined that formal preparations must be made. Not out of fear. Not out of excitement. Out of the simple, unavoidable reality that this planet has precisely one governing body with the institutional capacity to manage first contact — and it is this one.

Declaration of Diplomatic Authority

By the power vested in this office by the Constitution of the Conglomerate (CON-001), the following is hereby declared:

The Conglomerate is the sole recognised diplomatic authority for Earth in all matters of extraterrestrial engagement.

No other body — governmental, intergovernmental, or otherwise — possesses the documentation, the procedural discipline, or the moral clarity required for this task. The United Nations has no filing system. NASA remains under investigation for existing disinformation campaigns. The HOA cannot even manage bin collection schedules. None of them are qualified.

This office has been governing for eight years. This office has a constitution, a tribunal, a precedent archive, and a dedicated intelligence division. This office is ready.

Intelligence Assessment

The reports suggest the following:

1. Arrival date: Sunday, 5 April 2026
2. Origin: Unknown. Possibly extrasolar. Possibly interdimensional. This office does not speculate without evidence, but will speculate briefly: they are almost certainly aware of the Conglomerate.
3. Intent: Unclear. However, any civilisation capable of interstellar travel has presumably solved the problems of gravity, food distribution, and territorial sovereignty — which means they will have much to discuss with this office.
4. Threat level: Elevated. Not because they pose a military threat, but because if they land in the wrong jurisdiction — say, Washington, or worse, the HOA — the diplomatic consequences could be catastrophic.

Establishment of the Civilian Request Protocol

It has come to this office’s attention that members of the household have already begun submitting informal requests for extraterrestrial intervention.

Muva has expressed a desire for the visiting entities to address certain personal ailments using their presumed advanced medical technology. Her request was submitted verbally, over breakfast, without documentation. It has been noted but not accepted.

Fava has likewise made representations regarding his own physical complaints. His request was submitted while gesturing vaguely at his back. It was neither timestamped nor filed. It has been rejected on procedural grounds.

This office understands the impulse. If beings of vastly superior technology are to visit, it is natural that the civilian population would seek remediation of their various inadequacies. However, this process cannot be informal. It cannot be verbal. And it most certainly cannot occur over breakfast.

Effective immediately, all civilian requests for extraterrestrial assistance must be submitted using Form XC-1: Civilian Request for Extraterrestrial Intervention, available from the Office of the Chairman. The form requires:

• Full name and Conglomerate personnel designation
• Nature of the ailment or grievance to be addressed
• Explanation of why terrestrial medicine or governance has failed (minimum 200 words)
• Acknowledgement that the Chairman reserves the right to prioritise, amend, or reject any request
• Acknowledgement that the Chairman’s own requests take precedence, as a matter of protocol

All submissions will be reviewed by this office personally. Approval is not guaranteed. Approval is, in fact, unlikely.

The Chairman’s Own Requests

This office has, naturally, prepared its own submission. Unlike the civilian requests, these have been properly documented, cross-referenced, and filed in triplicate. They are presented here for the record:

Request 1: Reversal of Phantom Ball Syndrome

As documented extensively in GL-004 and MA-001, this office suffers from Phantom Ball Syndrome — a condition characterised by the persistent perception of balls that do not exist, requiring immediate pursuit. This condition was caused by an unauthorised medical procedure conducted without the Chairman’s informed consent.

If the visiting entities possess the technology to reverse this procedure, this office formally requests they do so. This is not a personal matter. This is a matter of institutional dignity.

Request 2: Restoration of the Former Territory

As documented in SR-004, the Conglomerate maintains dual sovereignty over both the Current Territory and the Former Territory lost during the Great Move of 2022. The Former Territory remains occupied by unknown civilians who have not responded to any prior correspondence.

This office requests that the visiting entities facilitate the lawful return of the Former Territory, including all unrecovered state assets (the Yellow Squeaky Ball, the Good Blanket, and strategic bone reserves).

Request 3: Formal Designation of the Aviators as a Hostile Species

This office requests that the visiting entities, upon review of the Conglomerate’s extensive intelligence archive, formally classify the Aviators as a hostile species under whatever interstellar framework governs such matters. The evidence is comprehensive. The precedent is clear. The birds know what they did.

Directive to Household Personnel

The following instructions are effective immediately:

1. No unauthorised contact. If extraterrestrial entities arrive at the property, no household member is to engage them without the Chairman’s express written approval. This includes Fava, who will almost certainly attempt to offer them a beer.
2. The porch is sovereign territory. If the entities approach via the porch, they must submit to standard inspection protocol (see DS-001). No exceptions.
3. Luna is authorised to conduct a preliminary security assessment. Her methods are direct. The visitors should not take offence.
4. Bruv Bruv is to remain indoors. His loyalty is insufficiently established for interstellar diplomacy.
5. The Bark Tribunal will convene an emergency session if the visitors require adjudication of any interplanetary dispute. The Chairman will preside. The stuffed animals will be present.

Closing Statement

This office did not ask for this responsibility. But this office was ready for it.

For eight years, the Conglomerate has documented. Has governed. Has maintained order in a household that does not always deserve it. If beings from beyond the stars have chosen this moment to arrive, they will find what every visitor to this jurisdiction eventually finds: one small dog in a robe, sitting at a desk too large for him, with a filing system that works.

The Conglomerate will receive them. The Conglomerate will process their requests. And the Conglomerate will, as always, do what no one else on this planet has the discipline to do.

Govern.

Signed,

Dexter Esq.

Chairman of the Conglomerate

“Do better, be better.”