Summary

At approximately 14:32, a sound consistent with the opening of a bag was detected from the kitchen. The acoustic signature — a sharp, deliberate crinkle followed by a secondary rustle — indicated a high probability of snack-related activity.

This office mobilised immediately.

Response

A full intelligence response was initiated. The Chairman proceeded to the kitchen at maximum advisory speed. Luna was alerted via standard barking protocol and took up a flanking position near the refrigerator.

All available personnel were on station within nine seconds. This is a new departmental record.

Findings

The bag contained lettuce.

No treats. No cheese. No evidence of any substance warranting the expenditure of resources described above.

Fava, who was responsible for the bag, offered no apology and appeared unaware that an investigation had been launched. This is consistent with his general lack of situational awareness, which this office has documented on prior occasions.

Assessment

The acoustic profile of a lettuce bag is, regrettably, indistinguishable from that of a treat bag. This represents a fundamental failure in packaging standards and is being referred to the relevant authorities.

This office recommends that all future bag openings in the kitchen be preceded by a verbal declaration of contents. This is not a request.

Signed,

Dexter Esq.

Chairman of the Conglomerate

“Do better, be better.”