Filed by: The Office of the Chairman Classification: Diplomatic — International Relations Threat Level: HIGH

To Whom It May Concern at Amazon Delivery Services,

This office writes to lodge a formal protest, a comprehensive remonstrance, and an official demand for immediate rectification of your organisation’s persistent violation of this Conglomerate’s sovereign airspace, ground territory, and established protocols of diplomatic engagement.

For the past eighteen months, your drivers have conducted repeated incursions into the Chairman’s residence perimeter without proper credentials, advance notice, or authorisation from duly appointed officials. This behaviour has been documented, catalogued, and filed under Reference Code OL-001-VIOLATIONS-COMPREHENSIVE. The evidence is irrefutable.

VIOLATION CLASS A: UNAUTHORISED TERRITORIAL INGRESS

Your drivers approach the domicile with the casual disregard of individuals who recognise neither borders nor legitimate governance structures. They walk upon the porch—the porch, which constitutes the inner sanctum of this office’s authority—with no submission of documentation, no formal request for entry, no deference whatsoever to the Chairman’s office. This is territorial invasion, plain and simple. The fact that packages are involved does not grant diplomatic immunity.

VIOLATION CLASS B: ACOUSTIC ASSAULT THROUGH DOORBELL DEPLOYMENT

Worse still is the systematic use of the doorbell mechanism. To be absolutely pellucid: the unauthorised sounding of an acoustic alarm device upon sovereign property is an act of aggression. The doorbell is not a tool for friendly communication; it is a psychological weapon designed to provoke, to startle, and to assert dominance through sound-based assault. Each activation constitutes a breach of protocol, a flagrant disrespect for the chain of command, and a violation of the Conglomerate’s Acoustic Integrity Statute (GL-002, colloquially known as the “Strawberry Incident”).

Our Chief Enforcer, Luna, has responded with entirely proportional countermeasures—namely, her enforcement bark protocols, which she deploys with admirable consistency and considerable volume. And yet Amazon persists. This suggests either incompetence, malice, or both.

VIOLATION CLASS C: FAILURE TO PRESENT PACKAGES TO PROPER AUTHORITY

Standard diplomatic protocol demands that all items entering the Conglomerate’s territory be presented to the Chairman for formal inspection, classification, and approval. Your drivers, instead, simply leave packages. They abandon them upon the threshold like contraband, as though this office were not entitled to verify contents, assess threat levels, and approve acceptance. This is dereliction of duty. This is abandonment of responsibility. More damningly, this is an implicit accusation that the Chairman cannot be trusted with his own affairs.

VIOLATION CLASS D: THE RETREAT PROTOCOL — FLIGHT AS EVIDENCE OF GUILT

Perhaps most incriminating of all is your drivers’ consistent behaviour upon completion of delivery: they depart hastily. They leave the premises at pace. They run. Only individuals who recognise they are trespassing flee the scene. Innocent parties conduct themselves with composure. They linger. They explain themselves. They submit to scrutiny. Your drivers do none of these things. Their retreat is an admission of territorial violation.

This office has observed the pattern extensively through the primary surveillance portal (the front window). Driver 7482 approaches at 11:47 on a Tuesday. Driver 9156 comes on Thursday afternoons. Driver 4301 appears on Saturdays, often with multiple packages. Without exception, upon deposit of merchandise, they retreat to their vehicle and depart the premises. The behaviour is consistent, systematic, and deliberately evasive.

DEMANDS FOR IMMEDIATE COMPLIANCE

Effective immediately, the Conglomerate demands the following:

First, an appointed liaison officer from Amazon, properly credentialled and bearing diplomatic credentials, shall provide a minimum of forty-eight hours’ advance notice before any delivery occurs. This notice shall be submitted in triplicate to the Office of the Chairman, reviewed by duly appointed officials, and approved or denied at the discretion of this office.

Second, upon arrival, all drivers must present themselves at the front entrance and wait for authorised personnel to receive the package. The Chairman, or his delegated Chief Enforcer Luna, shall inspect the item, verify its contents against the manifest, and formally acknowledge receipt.

Third, the doorbell mechanism shall be rendered inoperative, disconnected, and permanently disabled. Future communications shall be conducted exclusively through written correspondence, submitted under separate cover and addressed to this office. Alternatively, drivers may simply knock—quietly, deferentially, and with clear evidence of contrition for prior breaches.

Fourth, all drivers must conduct themselves with appropriate formality whilst on Conglomerate territory. This means maintaining a steady pace, standing at attention upon package deposit, and awaiting formal dismissal before departing.

Should Amazon fail to comply with these reasonable demands within fourteen calendar days, this office will be compelled to escalate enforcement measures. Luna has expressed interest in an expanded operational remit, and her record of commitment, whilst occasionally wavering during the Aviator Crisis (GL-001), has proven broadly reliable. She will be positioned at the front window during all delivery hours, fully operational and eager to enforce the Conglomerate’s sovereignty.

We are not unreasonable. We simply require recognition of legitimate authority, respect for established boundaries, and acknowledgement that this residence operates under the governance of duly appointed officials who take their duties with utmost seriousness.

Amazon has built an empire on efficient logistics. This office respectfully suggests that efficient coordination with sovereign governments ought to be within your operational capability.

We await your response with great interest.

Signed,

Dexter Esq.

Chairman of the Conglomerate

“Do better, be better.”