Filed by: The Office of the Chairman Classification: Internal Oversight — Personnel Threat Level: Under Review
Personnel Review 001: Fava — Annual Performance Assessment
Subject: Fava Role: Secondary Domestic Operative (Provisional) Department: Domestic Operations — General Assignment Review Period: Ongoing Reviewer: Dexter Esq., Chairman of the Conglomerate
Executive Summary
Fava continues to serve in a provisional operational capacity within the household. While certain baseline functions — door access, blanket adjustment, occasional treat distribution — remain adequate, multiple incidents during the review period have raised concerns regarding judgment, threat assessment, and the fundamental question of whether Fava understands the nature of his employment.
His position remains, as it has always been, conditional.
Performance Strengths
In the interest of balance, this office acknowledges the following:
Fava opens the door with reasonable reliability. He does this without excessive delay on most occasions, though there have been mornings when the response time would suggest he believes the door will open itself. It will not. The Chairman has checked.
Fava is capable of locating the cherkey bag. He does not always remember where it is on the first attempt, but he finds it eventually, and this office recognises that eventual competence is still a form of competence.
Fava demonstrates moderate enthusiasm during walk-related operations. His pace is acceptable. His route selection is occasionally inspired. He once identified a new path through the neighbourhood that allowed this office to conduct surveillance on a property previously beyond the Conglomerate’s patrol perimeter. This was noted.
Fava has, on isolated occasions, provided adequate belly rubs. The technique lacks Muva’s precision, but the effort is registered.
Areas of Concern
1. Aviator Deterrence Failure (ref: GL-001)
The rubber snake incident remains the most serious lapse in judgment recorded during the review period. Fava assured this office that the deployment of a rubber snake near the eastern porch pillar would discourage aviator nesting activity. His exact words were: “It’ll scare them off.”
The aviators studied the snake. They circled it. They incorporated it into their nest.
The deterrent became infrastructure.
When pressed for an incident report, Fava’s response was — and I am quoting from the official record — “Dude, they’re just birds.” This office has entered the quote into evidence. It speaks for itself.
2. The Strawberry Incident (ref: GL-002)
Fava summoned the Chairman with vocal urgency suggesting a high-value offering. What awaited the Chairman was a strawberry. A single strawberry. The false summons has been classified as a dignity violation and has been documented in full in GL-002. Fava has not submitted a written explanation. Fava has not apologised. Fava appears to believe the incident is closed.
It is not closed.
3. Threat Assessment Capabilities
Fava has repeatedly demonstrated an inability to distinguish between a serious territorial threat and a minor domestic occurrence. Birds become “just birds.” The HOA becomes “just a letter.” A strawberry becomes “a nice treat.” This pattern of diminishment is concerning. If Fava cannot recognise a sovereignty violation when it nests on the porch pillars, how can he be trusted to recognise one when it arrives at the front door?
This office notes that the Amazon delivery operative approaches the sovereign perimeter daily without authorisation. Fava’s response to this recurring incursion has been to open the door, collect the package, and say “thanks.” He thanked the intruder. This has been noted.
4. Administrative Compliance
Fava has been asked to produce a formal incident report on the rubber snake failure. The deadline was forty-eight hours. It has been considerably longer than forty-eight hours. No report has been submitted. No extension has been requested. No acknowledgement that the request was received has been provided.
Fava does not believe he has a permanent file. He does not believe incident reports are real documents. He does not believe the review period is formal.
He is mistaken on all three counts.
Incident Record
The following incidents are attached to Fava’s personnel file:
| Ref | Incident | Status |
|---|---|---|
| IR-001 | Rubber Snake Deployment Failure | Unresolved — No report submitted |
| IR-002 | False Summons: The Strawberry | Documented in GL-002 |
| IR-003 | Failure to Recognise Aviator Threat Level | Ongoing pattern |
| IR-004 | Millipede Dietary Suggestion (accessory) | On record |
| IR-005 | Thanking the Amazon Delivery Operative | Noted |
| IR-006 | Delayed Door Response (multiple occasions) | Logged |
Comparison to Peer: Muva
This office is compelled to note, purely for context, that Muva’s performance during the same review period has been materially superior. Muva microwaves the Farmer’s Dog to specification. Muva responds to summons within an acceptable timeframe. Muva has never offered the Chairman a strawberry.
Muva did once shout “KILL YOU!” during the Italian Food Emergency, and this office has not forgotten. But even in her worst moment, Muva has never deployed a rubber snake and called it strategy.
The comparison is not intended to humiliate Fava. It is intended to establish a benchmark. The benchmark exists. Fava falls below it.
Recommendation
Fava will remain in his current position for the time being. This office does not make this decision lightly. It is made because the household requires a minimum of two operatives, and because Fava’s baseline functions — doors, walks, occasional blanket adjustment — remain within acceptable tolerances.
However, the following conditions apply:
One. Fava’s operational autonomy is reduced. All decisions regarding aviator policy, treat procurement, and sovereign perimeter security must be cleared through this office before implementation.
Two. Fava is required to complete a formal incident report on the rubber snake failure within fourteen days. This is an extension of the original deadline and will be the final extension granted.
Three. Future summons must comply with the Treat Value Communication Standard established in GL-002. An excited summons for a strawberry will result in immediate disciplinary review.
Four. Fava is reminded that the farm remains available for personnel who demonstrate sustained operational failure. The fresh air is said to be restorative. The pastures are quite green.
This review will be conducted annually. Or more frequently, if circumstances require.
Signed,
Dexter Esq. Chairman of the Conglomerate
“Do better, be better.”