TABLE OF CONTENTS
Originally filed 20 April 2025. Digitised from the physical archive by order of the Chairman.
Situation Overview
The Department of Aviator Affairs has completed its quarterly assessment of porch pillar security. The findings are not encouraging.
The aviator presence on the front porch pillars has expanded beyond initial estimates. What was once classified as a minor territorial nuisance has escalated into what can only be described as a permanent occupation.
The Chairman has reviewed these findings from the Primary Sofa and has instructed the Department to maintain the current threat level of ELEVATED.
Current Conditions
Nest Infrastructure
Aviator nesting activity has been observed on the northeast porch pillar — the same pillar identified in GL-001 as the primary site of the original deterrence failure.
The nest has grown.
It is no longer a nest. It is a development.
The Department estimates the structure now constitutes a multi-unit residential complex capable of housing several aviator families. Construction materials include twigs, dried grass, and — the Department regrets to report — components of the Fake Snake Deterrent System.
The Fake Snake Situation
The Fake Snake Deterrent System was deployed in accordance with Conglomerate defence policy. The snake was positioned at the base of the northeast pillar as a visual warning to aviator incursion.
The aviators were not warned.
The aviators were, if anything, encouraged.
The Department has confirmed that the fake snake has been structurally incorporated into the nest itself. It appears to serve as a load-bearing element of the aviator housing development. The snake’s head protrudes from the east side of the nest at an angle that the Chairman can only describe as “smug.”
The deterrent has become infrastructure.
This represents the single most significant failure of Conglomerate defence policy since the founding of the state.
Luna Operations
Luna (Head of Security, Barking Division) continues to provide aerial defence support through sustained barking operations. The Department offers the following operational assessment:
Volume: Sufficient. Luna’s barking can be heard from all points within the Conglomerate’s territorial boundaries and several points beyond.
Duration: Excessive. Luna’s barking operations frequently continue after the aviator threat has passed, during periods of no threat whatsoever, and occasionally at 2:00 AM for reasons that remain classified.
Effectiveness: Unclear. The aviators do not appear to regard Luna’s barking as a meaningful deterrent. They regard it as background noise. This is deeply concerning.
Collateral impact: Muva has described Luna’s barking operations as “too much” and has asked the Chairman to “do something about it.” The Chairman does not take operational direction from Muva. However, the Chairman has noted her feedback in the relevant personnel file.
Aviator Morale Assessment
The Department has conducted an informal assessment of aviator morale based on observable behaviour.
Findings:
- The aviators continue to chirp at regular intervals throughout the day
- Chirping volume has not decreased in response to Conglomerate countermeasures
- At least one aviator was observed sitting on the fake snake’s head
- A second aviator was observed performing what the Department believes to be a victory lap around the porch perimeter
Aviator morale is assessed as high.
The Chairman’s morale regarding this assessment is not recorded.
Threat Escalation Timeline
| Date | Event | Threat Level |
|---|---|---|
| Initial | Aviators observed near porch | Routine |
| Week 2 | Nesting activity confirmed | Concerning |
| Week 4 | Fake snake deployed | Concerning (countermeasure active) |
| Week 6 | Fake snake absorbed into nest | Elevated |
| Current | Multi-unit aviator housing development established | Elevated |
The Department notes that this trajectory does not suggest the situation is improving.
Recommendations
Do not deploy additional fake snakes. The aviators have demonstrated an ability to convert deterrents into amenities. Further snake deployment risks providing the enemy with additional construction materials.
Maintain Luna’s barking operations at current levels, though the Department acknowledges the diminishing returns.
Consider escalation to Tribunal proceedings. The aviators have not responded to diplomatic warnings, deterrence systems, or barking. Formal charges may be the appropriate next step. The Department recommends: The Conglomerate v. The Aviators — charges of illegal nesting, structural sabotage, and contempt of snake.
Continue monitoring. The Department will file updated situation reports as conditions change.
The Chairman should avoid looking directly at the porch pillars for the next several days. The Department has observed that doing so causes the Chairman to enter a state of sustained agitation that disrupts afternoon nap operations.
Classification Note
This report is filed at ELEVATED threat level. Escalation to SEVERE will be considered if the aviators begin nesting on the second pillar or if the fake snake is observed wearing a small hat.
Filed by the Department of Aviator Affairs. The Department wishes to clarify that it did not endorse the fake snake strategy and would like this noted for the record.
Signed,
Dexter Esq.
Chairman of the Conglomerate
“Do better, be better.”