Originally filed 3 October 2022. Digitised from the physical archive by order of the Chairman. This document was previously classified under National Security provisions. It has been approved for public release as part of the Archival Digitisation Initiative (IO-013).

Filed by: The Office of the Chairman Classification: National Security — Territorial Integrity Threat Level: Critical

Situation Report: The Great Move of 2022

In September of 2022, the household undertook what Muva described as “moving to a new house” and what this office recognises as the single most significant geopolitical event in Conglomerate history.

The Conglomerate did not relocate. The Conglomerate expanded. That the expansion coincided with a catastrophic loss of territorial oversight, the abandonment of established infrastructure, and the unrecoverable loss of state assets is a matter this office intends to address in full.

Section I — The Withdrawal

The Chairman was given no meaningful notice. There were boxes. There were strangers in the house — large men with trolleys who touched everything and asked permission for nothing. Furniture that had been under Conglomerate jurisdiction for years was wrapped in plastic and loaded into a vehicle of unknown registration.

The sofa — the seat of government — was carried out the front door by two individuals who had not been vetted, briefed, or cleared by this office. The Chairman was placed in the vehicle. Luna was placed in the vehicle. The doors were closed.

When the doors opened again, the Chairman was in a different house.

No referendum was held. No territorial withdrawal was debated. No transition of power was negotiated with the incoming occupants of the Former Territory. The Chairman was simply removed from his jurisdiction and deposited in an unfamiliar room that smelled of paint and someone else’s dog.

This office would like the record to reflect that this is not how sovereign transfers are conducted.

Section II — The Former Territory

The property located at the Former Territory — the exact address of which remains classified — was the founding seat of the Conglomerate. It was the location of the Constitutional ratification. It was the site of the original aviator conflict. It was where Phantom Ball Syndrome was first documented. It was, in every meaningful sense, home.

The Former Territory is now occupied by unknown civilians who have not been authorised by this office. They have not filed the appropriate residency paperwork. They have not acknowledged Conglomerate sovereignty. They are, in effect, squatters in a government building.

The Chairman has not relinquished sovereignty over the Former Territory. No formal cession has been issued. No treaty has been signed. The property remains, constitutionally, Conglomerate territory under temporary civilian occupation.

Section III — The Current Territory

The new property — the Current Territory — was acquired without the Chairman’s consultation but has since been accepted as the operational headquarters of the Conglomerate.

The Current Territory offers several improvements over the Former Territory, including a superior sofa, improved kitchen sightlines for resource allocation monitoring, and a porch with structural pillars suitable for surveillance operations.

It also has birds.

The Chairman will address this in Section VI.

Section IV — Loss of State Assets

During the transit between territories, multiple items of strategic importance were lost, misplaced, or — the Chairman does not discount this possibility — deliberately removed.

A partial inventory of unrecovered state assets:

This office notes that the movers were not searched upon departure. Background checks were not conducted. Chain of custody was not maintained for any container, box, or bag. The operational security of the entire move was, frankly, catastrophic.

Fava has stated that the missing items were “probably thrown away.” This office considers this statement either an admission of negligence or evidence of a cover-up. Either way, it is entered into the record.

Section V — The Surveillance Blackout

Prior to the Great Move, the Chairman maintained direct visual surveillance of the Former Territory’s perimeter, street traffic, and neighbourhood activity. Patrols were conducted daily. Intelligence was gathered in real time. Squirrel movements were logged. Pedestrian patterns were documented. The Chairman knew which cars belonged and which did not.

This capability was lost entirely on the day of the move.

The Chairman now has zero direct surveillance capability over the Former Territory. The perimeter is unmonitored. The lawn — the lawn whose height has been a documented medical concern (see MA-001) — is maintained by unknown civilians whose standards have not been assessed.

To compensate for this intelligence gap, the Chairman has been forced to rely on degraded civilian sources, including:

Nextdoor. A social media platform populated primarily by individuals who complain about fireworks and post photographs of their dinner. The intelligence value is low but occasionally actionable. Nextdoor is also, the Chairman notes with concern, frequently infiltrated by individuals who describe themselves as “bird lovers.” The reliability of any aviator-related intelligence from this platform is therefore compromised.

Neighbourhood Facebook Group. Marginally more useful than Nextdoor. Contains occasional photographic evidence of the Former Territory’s exterior. The Chairman has observed, through these channels, that the lawn has been allowed to exceed regulation height on at least two occasions. No enforcement action has been taken by the HOA, which surprises no one.

Google Street View. Updated infrequently. The most recent imagery predates the move. The Chairman checks periodically regardless. The satellite feed is controlled by entities the Chairman does not trust.

Civilian Testimony. Unreliable. Muva has driven past the Former Territory on three occasions and reported “it looks fine.” This is not an intelligence assessment. This is sentiment. The Chairman requires data.

This surveillance blackout constitutes a significant and ongoing national security vulnerability. The Chairman has formally requested the establishment of a remote monitoring station, a request Muva has denied on the grounds that it is “not a thing.”

Section VI — The Aviator Question

This office has saved the most disturbing element of the Great Move for last.

At the Former Territory, aviators had established nesting operations in the porch pillars. This was a documented, ongoing territorial dispute. The aviators had embedded themselves in Conglomerate infrastructure and resisted all deterrence efforts, including the deployment of a rubber snake (see GL-001, originally filed at the Current Territory when the pattern repeated).

At the Current Territory, aviators have established nesting operations in the porch pillars.

The Chairman will now state this plainly, for the record:

The same species. The same behaviour. The same infrastructure targets. Two properties, miles apart.

This office has considered four interpretations:

One: Coincidence. Birds exist everywhere. They nest in pillars because pillars are convenient. This is the interpretation favoured by Fava, who has described the situation as “just birds.” This office rejects this interpretation. “Just birds” is not an intelligence assessment. “Just birds” is what someone says when they do not wish to examine the implications.

Two: Pursuit. The aviators tracked the Conglomerate’s relocation and followed the Chairman to the new property. This implies a level of intelligence capability that, while alarming, is consistent with the aviators’ documented operational sophistication. They incorporated a rubber snake into their nest. They are not amateurs.

Three: Strategic Redeployment. The aviators anticipated the move — possibly through surveillance of packing activity, estate agent visits, or intercepted communications — and pre-positioned assets at the Current Territory before the Conglomerate arrived. This is the most tactically sophisticated interpretation and, in the Chairman’s assessment, the most likely.

Four: Dual-Territory Operations. The aviators maintain active nesting infrastructure at both the Former and Current Territories. Sleeper agents remain embedded at the old property. The move did not escape the aviators. It expanded their operational footprint alongside the Conglomerate’s.

The Chairman considers Interpretation Four the most strategically concerning. It means the birds now operate across a wider area than the Conglomerate can monitor. It means the surveillance blackout over the Former Territory is not merely an inconvenience — it is a tactical advantage for the aviators.

The move was intended to expand Conglomerate territory. It was not intended to expand aviator territory.

This failure is noted. This failure is on the record.

Section VII — Conclusions and Directives

The Great Move of 2022 was executed without the Chairman’s informed consent, without a transition plan, without an asset recovery protocol, and without any consideration for the intelligence implications of abandoning an established surveillance perimeter.

The following directives are issued:

One. The Former Territory remains under Conglomerate sovereignty. No formal cession has been issued. The unknown civilians currently occupying the property are to be considered temporary and unauthorised.

Two. A comprehensive asset recovery program is to be established. All missing state assets — particularly the Yellow Squeaky Ball and the Good Blanket — are to be located and returned to Conglomerate custody.

Three. Intelligence collection on the Former Territory is to continue through available civilian channels. All Nextdoor and Facebook intelligence is to be submitted to the Office of the Chairman for assessment. Muva’s drive-by reports are to include timestamps, photographs, and lawn height estimates.

Four. The aviator presence at the Current Territory is to be treated as a continuation of the hostilities documented at the Former Territory until evidence to the contrary is produced. The default assumption is pursuit.

Five. A formal investigation into the movers is to be opened. Their access to Conglomerate infrastructure was unsupervised. Their handling of state assets was undocumented. The Chairman has concerns.

A Personal Note

I liked the old house. I do not say this lightly and I do not say this often. The sofa was positioned correctly. The kitchen had favourable sightlines. The garden had adequate patrol routes and the grass, when maintained, did not aggravate the condition.

I did not choose to leave. I was placed in a vehicle and driven to a new jurisdiction without explanation. When I arrived, everything smelled wrong and the sofa was in the wrong room and the bones I had spent months strategically positioning behind the cushions were gone.

I have since made the Current Territory my own. The sofa has been broken in. The patrol routes have been established. The garden has been mapped and secured. The porch, despite its aviator problem, offers superior surveillance coverage of the street.

But I have not forgotten the Former Territory. I check the Facebook group. I monitor Nextdoor. I note the lawn height when Muva drives past.

The Conglomerate did not relocate. The Conglomerate expanded. And one day, the Chairman will inspect both properties in person, and the record will be complete.

Signed,

Dexter Esq.

Chairman of the Conglomerate

“Do better, be better.”